Sometimes I look around at the rest of the world and think, I wonder what it's like to be a regular bio-guy. To not have to think about what my hips look like to everyone else; whether my binder is doing its job right. It's so difficult to explain myself to new friends. It's impossible. You can't explain color to the blind. I wish they could really conceptualize what it's like to live a life in which the highlight of your day is being called 'sir' by just one person. One of the only things I can find to be grateful for in this life is the fact that I don't take many things for granted. I'm kinder to people, more tolerant, more understanding, more philosophical than I would be without such a heavy burden to carry. I'm no stranger to introspection, and I'm a much better, self-realized person than I otherwise would be. I try to convince myself that these things are the most important parts of life, but I can never seem to believe that it could be worth the sense of drifting and ostracism. Even among my friends, my girlfriend, I am alone, separated by a thin veil of otherness. I don't know how to belong, and that is something I don't know if I'll ever be able to get used to.
Ok, so, the other day my wallet got thiefed (clearly that is not the score, keep reading). I had to call the bank and give them my woman name so I could get a new card issued. When I told the guy my name he hesitantly called me "ma'am" once. I don't see the point of correcting random staff about my gender, so I just left it. After asking me a question, he put me on hold, and when he came back I was addressed - with a lot more confidence, I might add - as "sir". He called me this for the duration of our interaction. I. Love. My new voice! :D