The Phoenix Reborn: An FTM Story

I'm gettin 'em! Watch out. On second thought, my arms are comically short.  =[  Very dysphoric about the length of my limbs and the size of my joints.

Oh yeah! Psst! Buy some of that great stuff down there if you wanna see this without the need for censorship one day!  

I need money. Don't you want to see pictures of me in all their uncensored glory? Well you can't. Unless I get top surgery--i.e., unless you buy some of my shit. Seriously. And if you don't wanna buy it, spread it around and maybe some other foolish sods will be taken in. This will be your renumeration for my totally asked-for and in-demand transition-blogging services.  =]

http://386342.spreadshirt.com/

Hi!  Some stuff has happened!  Here, partake of my joy.

• FACIAL HAIR: I now have too many lil chin hairs to count. I wanted to put 27 exclamation points on that but I thought I should restrain myself. They're mostly invisible except at a range of angles and oddly, usually in the car. It might happen for me, y'all! My face feels fuzzy!

• Two matching hairs on the insides of both of my thighs. Two inches or so down from my junk. How pleasantly unexpected!  ... For me, at any rate. And I now have a visible (to the eye, not the camera) smattering of thigh hair creeping up and around the side/fronts of my quads. Woo!

• The back of my left calf is suddenly really hairy. Just the left. Who knows.

• So, I've realized something. I've had no hair growth above the belt. I've pretty much only grown leg and butt hair. No arm hair except the fuzzies that have spread above my elbow. Happy trail has grown. And APPARENTLY I have shoulder hair. Definitely a few thin longs ones sitting on my shoulders. WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

• Acne. ACNE. It's happening. So far it is for some reason only on my arms, but it's spreading way way too rapidly for my taste. I've also got a bit of bumpiness starting in on my face, but frankly I am worried about bacne. Arms are like one of the only places it is acceptable to have for me, so really I've been quite lucky thus far. My left is spreading up to my shoulder though. It's ALL up on there. Not cool. But at least it's not the red kind.

• MY FACE. I've been noticing it a lot lately, and not because of my incredibly narcissistic tendencies. My cheek bones are really jumping out, it's quite strange. I love it. Also my nose is about twice its original size which is weird to squeeze, but good to look at... Same thing She said, coincidentally.

• My personality is having some serious issues. My impulse control has been reduced to nil and I am generally very unhappy. I think this is what they call "depression". You'd think I would know, but when I was depressed before it felt very different. It felt like I was the silt at the bottom of a glass of water. This just feels like a metal void. Not a fan of this. Someone send me a bag of marshmallows from http://www.cerealmarshmallows.com    

So, I know I've been absent for a while.  This is because I have been wandering about in the vast wilderness of everything-not-changing-very-much, doing a lot of soul searching and killing of small woodland creatures in fits of rage.  This is what I have noticed thus far.

• Leg hair!  Well hi, there. I've been waiting for you to show up. It's finally visible to other human beings at eye-level! How furiously stimulating! Coverage is sparse but seemingly evenly spread, and it's getting weirdly long down below my calves. It's also spreading up and around the sides of my thighs, which is really quite brilliant as I have always wanted hairy thighs. The sad part of that statement is the complete lack of sarcasm. Yay me!
• Face hair... No. Still no. I now have three hairs. THREE. WHY?! One on each sideburn area and one down under my chin. You know, where no one can see it. Other than that, not much has happened. My skin has changed texture though, so maybe in the next 5 years I can get a little peach fuzz going. It feels different to shave my nothingness in the mustache joint, though, and sorta makes a scratchy noise. So I'll take that and run with it.
• Bone structure! Something that I have noticed lately is my cheekbones. Pretty sure they're noticeably larger. My face definitely looks different and more manleh. I guess I also have facial muscles now cuz if I open my mouth real wide there are these weird bulges at my jaw/cheek connection and at my temples. Also, my hands have gotten slightly bigger! I can't get on the ring my girl gave me anymore, which is really quite horribly sad but also encouraging. I might now wear half a size up from the smallest ring size they make for men!  
• My hot body seems to be the thing that has made the most progress in this interim, and I'm definitely not complaining about that. Seems like my shoulders and back have suddenly decided to become massive (comparatively. Obviously). Here. Have a look-see.
  
  
  
•  And, as you can see, my left shoulder is 12 times more giant than the right, I assume because I carry my bag on it. Also because my spine is crooked. That doesn't help. And I'm totally starting to get little pecs. They're so adorable! Although annoying because it actually decreases my ability to successfully bind by increasing the total volume of my chest.  -.-  Oh well. I feel like I should start a surgery fund except 1) no one would contribute to it and 2) I also have nothing to sell. Anybody wanna bid for my soul?
• Oops. Digression. Well, not much if anything other than that has changed.   will post more if I think of it. Good day, folks!

Oh, I'm overcome with the anticlimact-ism! This has been a totally insane year, and I've changed a lot. Obviously. Not so much since 6 months though, which is odd. So here is back to the original post formatting for comparison with pre-t specs.  =]

• Voice:  Well that, you can see for yourself. My voice is now 100% passable! *raucous applause from the audience*  What was once a mouse's squeak is now the purring lower tones of a budding Casanova. Or, you know, something similar. In recent weeks the singing situation has improved! I practice in the shower in the morning by singing The Decemberists. Man that guy sings stuff high sometimes. It used to be that by the end of my cycle I could sing like an aaaangel and in the beginning/middle I couldn't sing at all. Now, a recognizable pattern remains to be found, but I can sing better more often so points for me. My ability to project has also increased, but is still very sub-par. Oh well.

• Furriness: None, still. No change in armpit hair, and very very little in arm hair. Mostly all that happened to my arms was there's some invisible fuzz going up past my elbow now, and there is MORE invisible fuzz on my actual arms. Lame. But at least I have a decent amount of leg hair now. As opposed to nothing. I never thought I'd get anything on the backs of my calves, but glory be, I does!  And I've recently even developed a few pretty legit hairs on the backs of my thighs. Butt hair... So much butt hair. Why. Also, my pubes have slowly been spreading. They used to all fit nicely in that V thing, but now its spreading past that and into the crease and just past. Belly fur. Lots of it, you've seen. NO FACIAL HAIR. Oh wait, I have ONE. and nothing else. However, it looks like maybe it's kicking into gear finally because some of the hairs on my mustache hairea look noticeably darker than the others; i.e., you can see them.  I have a fair amount of short wispy invisible hair on the underside of my chin too, which is only significant because I used to have literally nothing. Not even fuzz. 

• Physique:  I now have muscles. A decent concentration of them, anyway. Still, of course, sub-par seeing as how I started out with the musculature of a 7 year old girl. I can curl a 25lb dumbell a few times (like 3 or 4), still can't do a pull-up though I can at least get my arms bent. I have a newfound ability to do pushups, 20 of them (!!!), which is kind of crazy given that a year ago I could do like, 3 max. In bad form. So I suppose overall, my shoulders have seen a huge amount of growth. I grew out of my favorite gay man jacket (blue velvet blazer) a while ago, and now you can see a pretty huge difference in size. I've started running into things while turning corners because I'm not used to my shoulders being that wide. My bodyfat has decreased (not that much though), and my overall shape is much different. My waist has sort of filled out a bit,  and my hips and butt are much smaller, to the point where I THINK I'm pretty passable from afar, even in just jeans and a T-shirt. I thought I got taller, but I guess I somehow didn't. That's ok, I feel taller and thats nice in itself. Basically, I'm just more comfortable in my body, which is a beautiful, beautiful thing.  =]

• Mentality:  I've basically gone off the deep end in the past couple months. My aggression problems are escalating and getting harder to control, but I'm also displaying more and more signs of psychopathy. I'm unsure whether or not this has to do with my increases in dose of T, but I'm more inclined to think it's more stress than anything. I am far quicker to get viscerally angry at really really stupid things. If, say, I get up in the morning and can't find my laptop case, instead of feeling anxious or worried about being late, I just get mad. Like really really mad. It's very disturbing. On the positive side, I'm much more confident in pretty much everything about myself. At work, apparently nobody knew I'm trans, which is just seriously weird to think about. I have also in recent months become really confrontational. I've had multiple instances of almost getting--and WANTING to get into--fights. There's this weird reckless feeling that feels really great but is not really good for my chances of survival. 

• TMI:  SEX SEX SEX ALL THE TIME I WANT IT! Francisco seems to have topped off at 3.5cm, but has seen recent gains in the fatness area. Err... Other than that, not much remains to be said. This would work better if there were some sex for me to have; I can't really report on it otherwise. Oh well.

The doctor told me I'm fat.  >=l  I went in for my year on T appointment (update coming... at some point), and among the things my doctor noted was the 15 pounds I've put on in the past year.  I'm not really sure how I managed that, though, because APPARENTLY I'm somehow NOT taller, even though I feel like it. Sad times. My working theory is that I'm in an awkward transitory phase where I've gained a decent amount of muscle (10-15 pounds apparently!), but I have the same amount of fat. That doesn't make much sense, but just don't think about it that much. Anyway, FAT? I DON'T THINK SO, LADY. This look like fat to you?!

Uhuh. Didn't think so.

I did 2-3 sets of preacher curls like 3 times a week for two weeks and I now have muscles. Go figure. Pardon my face.

Damn. This is intense. I have at least 100% more tummy fur.

Ok. This is getting depressing. Really nothing has changed since 8 months. Therefore, I have decided that I will from now on just post a bullet-point list of random things that I notice every once in a while.  

• Leg hair. It's now on the back of my calves near the bottom. It's all long and weird.  O.o  Hopefully I'll start filling in the GIANT BALD PATCHES that comprise my entire calf muscle. And thigh hair. My brother has thigh hair... I want some! Arm hair. Still no sign of any. I'm lame and have started putting mascara on my mustache and chin hairs for funsies. Visualization helps stuff right? (If it doesn't... Shhhh. It's super awesome.)

• Arm acne. My arms are all rough and untouchable. But at least it's not red. Just bumpy.

• Francisco: Hurts all the time now, I don't know why. I'll ask my doc when I go for my one year update. I will also complain about the pace at which all this nothing has been happening.
• My neck is definitely fatter. I look ok in collared shirts now.

• My woman said (after being crushed by the immense weight of my right leg) that I feel more "solid" in general. Good, but not anything that you can really see.

• I am a douchebag. Its sad but true. Testosterone has pretty much ruined my personality by emphasizing all the shitty parts of it and downplaying the few virtues in my posession. Sad times.  =[

• I have to wear a belt with my pants at all times or they will start falling off. This is crazy, given that I started with a size 36 having to be stretched out and now 34 fits just about right. I think you guys need a picture of my butt. You know, for supplementation. Not just because I want to show you my butt. It's kind of gross looking but I don't care because better to be gross and literally half the size than... twice the size and twice the gross.

     Hello, all! It has now been eight months since I started testosterone, and I'm having mixed feelings about my results. You may have noticed (but realistically, you probably didn't) that I skipped the seven month update. Sadly enough, this is because nothing much really happened that month. This month hasn't been too eventful except for one thing, which I am going to make you read through the rest of this to find, because I am mean-spirited that way.  : D

• Voice:  My voice hasn't changed toooo terribly much since six months, but it has gone down a teensy bit (... am I still allowed to use words like that?).  The sad thing is that the chunks of time where I can't sing are now way longer, like a week or two. It's depressing because that was pretty much the only advantage I had over my brother. And, you know, spiritual and emotional fulfillment and all that *vague hand wave*.  I pass on voice 100% of the time now (that I know of. I don't know how you could ignore it, you'd have to be trying REALLY hard).  My adam's apple has gotten bigger, so now it's kind of squared off at the end which is pretty cool. You can't see it but you can definitely feel it.

• Furriness: Pretty much no progress here. What was there on my legs is longer, and there's now some on the back of my calves, which is cool, but there's really nothing else.  The texture of my leg-hair-area-skin has changed though, so I'm hoping that means I'm getting ready for some more troops to arrive. Still no facial hair. Not a one. Literally zero. I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that I will never have any. I don't want to think about it too much though, because pretty much my only current life goal is to be bearded. My face is too weird to not be covered up by hair!  D:  In other haireas: I found a shoulder hair. Really, baby Jesus? REALLY? You can't give me one single face hair but shoulder hair is all fine. Of course. What did I expect with my unfortunate gene allotment. *sigh* I guess as long as I don't get a curly carpet it's ok. My chesty fuzz is a little more widespread and a little longer, but it seems to be on track for not too much, and I'm just fine with that. I'm sad overall though, cuz I was hoping that somehow I'd become a furry bastard.  =[ 

• Body: More muscles! But you can't see them still because of the fat. The only reason I can even tell is that my arms are just BIGGER. Not more defined or attractive, just larger. But hey, can't complain. My legs are actually becoming legs. I have even more knees now which is very exciting (that was weird but you know what I meant). My thigh and calf muscles (especially calf) are actually becoming visible! And now you don't have to dig through a 2 inch layer of fat to get at my quads and such. It's pretty fantastic. My butt is almost a semblance of normalish now. As my lovely girlfriend pointed out, I "won't have to wash underneath my butt anymore". I even bought pants off the internet and they fit fine, which is magical because it's always been completely impossible for me to find pants but I can be fairly indiscriminate now.  : D  And now, drumroll please, for the most exciting news this side of the invention of sliced bread: I. Got. Taller. What?! You heard me! I realized this when I saw my girlfriend in heels and was still as tall as her. I used to forbid her to wear them because I wanted to be taller. I must've put on about an inch! I know it's too much to hope for any more, but I can't help it. But as long as I'm taller than her, I'm wildly pleased.

• Misc: Period seems to be gone forever now! I still get all pms-y though, which is bad because I don't know how to deal with it. More on that in the next section. My pelvic exam went fine and was actually entirely anticlimactic. It lasted like three minutes and involved no terrifying medical gadgets or pain. It wasn't even that awkward. In fact, it was kind of amusing now that I think about it. We were just having a regular conversation. To all of you women who told me it was going to be horrible: You are mean!  D:<

• Mentality: This is probably what has changed the most in the past couple months (laaaame). I find that I can't process emotions. When I'm upset, I can't really access the emotion. If my feelings get hurt, instead of an acute pain I get this nebulous feeling like there's powdered glass floating around in my chest cavity and generally making a mess of everything. But I can't figure it out or define it, so I just want to ignore it. But then it doesn't go away and I get ANGRY because I can't DO anything about it. So, in essence, I now know why men hate emotions. I can't cry anymore. I physically can't do it, which sucks because sometimes I really need it.  ={  On the other hand, I'm a lot more into the idea (in theory only, thus far) of building and/or fixing stuff. I know nothing about it and can't do it but I like the IDEA. And I'm a lot more comfortable doing stuff with my body. For instance, I climbed a tree for the first time the other day. It's always scared me shitless but it was totally not an issue. Just stuff like that.

• TMI Type Stuff: Pretty much all I have to say is that my sex drive has gone through the roof. Nothing else has really happened.  O.o